This week marks the start of regular interview postings on Mondays and Thursdays.
You read that right – regular postings.
Evidently, masochism is as popular with monster hunters as spilling monster blood, and if these brave souls are willing to take a moment out of their busy schedules to share their thoughts, I can do no less than give them their due by posting them here.
I will be incorporating regular features such as NAME THAT TUNE and 5 MINUTES TO PACK, but each interview will continue to be as unique as the Monster Hunters themselves, which is to say that you never know what you’ll be reading next.
So, Mondays and Thursdays it is, and if there is an author you’d like to promote, please feel free to cross-post links and join us all on facebook and Twitter.
Tonight, we welcome Marc Sorondo. He’s in all three LOTMH books and is well known for his contributions to training monster hunters. But he’s come to us injured…
MB – Before we get started, I can’t help but notice the bandage you have wrapped around your head. What kind of monster did that?
MS – A nine year old with a pair of nunchucks.
MB – I beg your pardon?
MS – There were some kids in the neighborhood going to town on a old tire, and I thought I might show them the proper use of a weapon that people typically hurt themselves with – you never know when a monster might jump you and I figured they might as well be prepared, right? I can honestly say that my teaching was instrumental in the boy not hurting himself.
However, he did go a little ape-shit.
MB – I see, and I mean that literally – the knot on your forehead is huge…
MS – Yes, I know. Can we just get on with this?
MB – Of course.
Question one involves something that I believe we all wonder from time to time:
Do you see a correlation between sightings of the Loch Ness Monster and the fact that it lives in the only country I can think of with a whisky named after it?
MS – Well, if you risked being eaten by a monster every time you went swimming, you’d need some patriotic liquid-courage too.
MB – Good point. In fact, sometimes I even have nip in places where there have been no sightings and I’m not even swimming.
But let’s continue, and we’ll stick with this theme of “large things”.
When hunting elephants, one of the best ways to gauge how long ago they were at your current location is to find a pile of dung, stick your finger in it, and feel how hot it is. I’m not kidding – that’s how it’s done.
Do you feel like this technique would work for werewolves?
MS – Nope. That’s just a good way to die with werewolf shit on your fingers. Wolves move far too quickly to waste time playing in their messes. They also have a nasty habit of doubling back on you and either laying in wait, or tracking you from behind. If you’re trying to figure out how long it’s been since they’ve left, you’re probably already being watched you just don’t know it yet. And you’ll soon be dead with dirty hands.
MB – Alright, you’ve got some experience under your belt. Good…
You’ve got 5 MINUTES TO PACK: The home office just called – the helicopter is en route to pick you up. You’re going after Mokele Mbembe.
What do you pack?
MS – Wow, dinosaur hunting. If Mokele Mbembe really is a living animal that has managed to survive, I’d bring some lightweight explosives and assault rifles to kill it, bug spray (because jungle mosquitoes are a bigger problem than dinosaurs), and a machete. The odds of a real dinosaur surviving the last 65 million years, however, are slim to none. I’m thinking this is some sort of spiritual creature, which changes all the rules. In that case, sniper rifle, dynamite, and flamethrower– that way you can shoot out its eyes, decapitate it (explosively), and then burn the body.
MB – I guess I’m glad I’m not a Mokele Mbembe.
Let’s change up the subject again – (Soon to be) FAMOUS QUOTES:
In a soon to be made movie, there is a scene where Bruce Willis lights up a Chupacabra with a flamethrower. What of the following lines do you think he’ll say?
1. Feliz Navidad mi amigo!
2. Comere’ una cerveza y la camarera la agradece!
3. Yippie kay yay mother sucker
MS – 3. What else could he say? Maybe that, but all cool and shit like the Dos Equis guy…
“I do not kill Chupacabras often. But when I do, I say Yippie Kay Yay Mother Sucker!”
MB – Well played.
Alright – it’s Sunday night and you are up to your neck in cleaning out a vampire roost. Your phone rings; it’s your mom. You suddenly remember that you were supposed to be there an hour ago for a chicken dinner, and she has no idea that you are a monster hunter. What do you tell her?
MS – No cell phones on hunts…Jesus, Miles, your phone’s going to go off while you’re wrist deep in shit. It’s like a dinner bell to these things.
MB – I just can’t shake you! So we’ll take a quick rest for a question – NAME THAT TUNE: Give us your top 3 monster hunting songs.
MS – Cool.
“Back in the Saddle” by Aerosmith (for all you single monster hunters, this is also a good one after a break-up).
“No Remorse” by Metallica (really, almost any Metallica works. Also, almost any Slayer, Pantera…you see where I’m going with this).
“For Those about to Rock” by AC/DC (Just because it’s awesome).
MB – What about your favorite monster hunting novel?
MS – I’m going to go with Stephen King’s IT. The monster hunters were regular people, kids no less – for huge pieces of the book. I think this was King at his best.
MB – Good choice. Now, back to business!
Eggs, bacon & pancakes – or – grapefruit for breakfast?
MS – Oatmeal…it’s bland, it’s boring, and it tastes like wallpaper paste (if you don’t believe me, take a bite of one and then the other), but nothing provides better for the rigors of monster hunting. You want to enjoy breakfast? Choose another profession.
MB – Not a lot hemming and hawing there. Well done. Now that you’ve answered your questions and you need to go put some ice on that bump, any last words you want to throw out there?
MS – Yeah – for everyone that enjoyed the Aedan Halloway story from The Trigger Reflex, another Aedan story is set to appear in Use Enough Gun, and there are several others on the way.
I’ve already finished a book’s worth of shorts and novellas as well as a short novel, and more is planned! For more information about Aedan (or any of my other stories), go to www.marcsorondo.com.
MB – Will do. Thanks for your time, and for your help with the neighborhood kids. I know that they appreciate it and the chance to use their weapons on a live target.
Where did he go?
Okay, I think this one is a wrap…