It’s Monday night, and that means it’s time for another hunter to join us at the campfire.
But, before we get started, I’d like to quickly mention a contest I’m holding that will be of interest to monster hunters who are also artists. You see, for years I’ve dreamt of creating the perfect logo for monster hunters. Sadly, this dream has eluded me as surely as the winning lottery numbers, but I’m going to need a logo for projects that I have planned for 2013, so it’s time to ask you, the professionals, to make this dream come true.
I need a logo that will be featured on shirts, hats, book covers, websites, and depending on the circumstances, tattooed on various body parts. It should be a black and white image and easily recognizable. It must be completely original. Other than that, let creativity be your guide.
I will ask the winner to sign the rights to the art over to me to be used for the projects listed above.
Then I will send that winner a $100 bill, U.S. only, genuine, real and spendable.
Anyone can enter. I’ll accept entries up until midnight, October 29th, so that I may announce a winner on Halloween night.
Please send your entries as a jpeg to firstname.lastname@example.org
Now, back to the reason we’ve all gathered here tonight. The rumors are true – tonight’s interview is with William R. D. Wood.
William has been featured in a whole slew of anthologies, including The Trigger Reflex and the upcoming Use Enough Gun.
He also, for a brief period of time, had his Amazon author’s page switched with mine – true story – and it was Amazon’s fault, although I will admit to having made a few calls to people in high school that said I would never make it as an author…but enough of that.
Let’s get down to business with a man who knows monster hunting like your tongue knows the roof of your mouth:
MB – Welcome to the campfire William. I’ll give you twenty bucks to switch your Amazon page with me again – can I tempt ya?
WW – I still don’t know how you orchestrated that last stunt…
MB – Don’t worry about that. Worry about this instead: what discussions (pertaining to monsters) do you believe were held at this year’s Bilderberg meeting?
WW – Funny you should mention that…funny, indeed. You must know that this year’s meeting was held in Chantilly, VA. (a mere 2-hour drive from my home). Coincidence, I ask you? I think not. They need help. Lots of help, professional style, and I needed a new batcave. Savvy?
The monsters they discussed? Zombies – they’re all the rage these days, pardon the pun. Best thing about ‘em is they never go out of style…so it’s an easy cover for the media. Worst thing about ‘em is that they never stop. Also, the pictures you see of road construction signs that are supposed to be “jokes”? Yeah. Turn your vehicle around.
Beyond zombies, I’d speculate that they discussed fractal succubi, architecture-impersonating demons, cyberorthic sections of genetic code, and possessed dessert toppings. You know – the usual.
MB – That’s some of the more confident speculation I’ve seen. And it reminds me of my next question: I often ponder Lovecraft’s writings as they pertain to the space-time continuum, and I have to tell you, I’m getting more anxious as time goes by. What are your thoughts?
WW – You and me both, brother. I think everyone senses that something is coming, the likes of which we’ve never seen before. A sort of collective, nouveau-proverbial disturbance in the force, if you know what I mean, and regardless of your beliefs, Lovecraft framed our place in the grander scheme of things pretty spot-on. If we’re alone, that’s very alone. If we’re not, that’s worse. The universe is big. We’re small. ’nuff said.
MB – You know, that didn’t make me feel any better at all. Go figure.
BE HONEST – Have you, or has anyone that you know, ever copped to a cryptid sighting?
WW – When I about six years old, I saw something, though I’m still not sure what it was:
My mom and I lived in an apartment complex in Greenville, SC. They were the usual 2-story deals with four apartment clusters accessed by outside stairs. I remember waking up one night and seeing Mom crouched at a window looking up at the roof of the apartment building across from us. When she heard me coming, she made me crawl across the floor until I got to her. I eased up until I could see, and on the peak of the other building was what I thought was a man – until it ruffled itself like a bird. I don’t know what it was, but it was bigger than any bird I had ever seen and I remember getting the impression that as I was looking at it, it was looking right back at me. I fell asleep at some point and the next morning Mom didn’t want to talk about it. Still gives me creeps.
MB – That’s awesome. You know, I ask that question to more than a few people, and I’m always jealous when somebody has a real answer! I’ve been looking for a cryptid – any cryptid would do – since I was 6, and so far I got nada. *sighs*
Next question – TATTOO YOU – If you had to have a monster tattooed on your body, what monster would it be and where?
WW – I haven’t written this story yet, but there’s a monster named zrahgn that’s been causing me personal grief and inspiration for years. So either a containment glyph for her, or you could do me up like Cabal from Nightbreed—only it would have to be in ink that only shows up under blacklight. Can you imagine what a hit I’d be the next time I went to a nightclub or a kid’s science museum?
MB – I can imagine security being called in both cases. That’s what usually happens to me, anyway. Also, a word of advice – do not make a Godzilla head out of paper mache’, dress up in green-dyed thermal underwear and crash your kid’s school on Japan day. Evidently, that’s not funny…
Have you ever seen a dog bark at a blank wall, or at something that wasn’t there?
WW – They don’t know anything we don’t, Miles. They’re just not afraid to admit it.
MB – I can’t help but think that it’s dangerous to imply that people shouldn’t be afraid to admit that they are compelled to bark at a blank wall. In fact, I am now going to officially recommend that if anyone should feel the need to bark at a blank wall, to fight that urge, and turn your attention to paper mache’. Or reading.
Favorite horror novel?
WW – How about a brief list? Stephen King’s The Shining is near the top. Max Brooks’ World War Z was a little-piece-of-awesome. Anything by Poe. Likewise with Lovecraft. Clive Barker’s Books of Blood. If I had to pick one, though – wow – there’s so much new stuff too *sigh*.
Gotta go with Pet Sematary.
MB- Nice choice. Best monster related television show?
WW – Current: The Walking Dead.
Classic: Tales from the Darkside, in all of its campy, corny glory.
MB – More nice choices *ALARMS GO OFF*.
5 MINUTES TO PACK – You’ve just received a one-word text. It’s the name of a monster you have to kill, and the helicopter is on its way to pick you up. You only have 5 minutes to pack – the monster is RAKSHASA. What do you bring?
WW – Luckily there’s always the standard pack-out by the door. A team of no less than three, which might require meeting up in-theatre – a couple of extra sunburst lamps (to help flesh out any attempts for it to impersonate one of us) – as many flash-bangs as I can carry (general defense and assault against heliophobes). DU mini-penetrator rounds for the G36 (take down and stay down), and plenty of gummy bears (if you have to ask, don’t take on rakshasa.)
You can’t really kill ’em, so the best you can hope for is to hurt them for a long, long time.
MB – I think I speak for all of us (monster hunters) when I say that you’ve made me proud. Now NAME THAT TUNE – Give us your top 3 monster hunting songs.
WW – I’ve not done any monster hunting personally for months now, but the top 3 on the playlist from last time were Rob Zombie’s Dragula, Black Hole Sun from Soundgarden, and Enya’s Orinoco Flow.
Oh, and if you think that last one is a little weird, you haven’t hacked your way through a swarm of hemacephs until you’ve done it to Enya, my friend. Now that’s living.
MB – I think I speak for all us (monster hunters) when I say that you’ve made me question that third song. Personally, I would’ve gone with Caribbean Blue, but you say tomato, I say tomato…whatevs. Either way, Enya just squealed in delight that she got mentioned on the internet.
Current and upcoming projects?
WW – I don’t have a novel, yet, although I have more ideas than I can ever possibly put to pen. You can find links to my other works (horror, science fiction, and even a little fantasy) at www.writebrane.blogspot.com, some of which is also listed at http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B004FVPPR8.
MB – Nice plug for your Amazon page. Anyway, Tha…
WW- Hold on – someone is knocking at my door. Weird. Who in hell would be calling at this time of night? Be right back…
MB – Heh, It’s Enya coming to personally thank you. Or it’s Bilderberg. Or it might be the bird-man…sheesh, it could be anyone!
Wait…now someone is knocking at my door…